


If Only

by kisahawklin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-02
Updated: 2013-10-02
Packaged: 2017-12-28 05:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/988109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kisahawklin/pseuds/kisahawklin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaangsty S8 Sam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to clavally for a lovely beta, and the title!

He's not stupid. He knew Dean's morbid sense of curiosity would make him go searching out slash fans and that he'd find the stories. Dean _did_ , too, because even in the mess that was their lives back then, Dean would look at him sometimes, like he was trying to figure out if the fans were on to something, if he was missing out.

Sam would be willing to bet anything, right down to his soul, that not all of Dean's flings were with women after that.

Whatever, Sam wasn't sweating it back then. He knew it was just Dean's weird brain and he would get over it eventually. Thank god for cartoon porn.

Then Cas burst on the scene and Chuck started publishing again. Dean started looking at his angel sideways, the way he used to look at Sam. That didn't bother Sam either – or at least, Dean doing it didn't bother him. It was Cas's approval he wanted so badly back then – the approval of heaven or god, or even one of their doubting representatives, he would have taken anything.

These days he _wishes_ Dean would look at him that way. He wishes Dean would look at him _any_ way that isn't full of disappointment. He wonders if he just offers himself, falls to his knees in front of Dean and begs, begs for anything, if that would change the hard look that seems to be permanently etched on Dean's face... or if it would just be one more failure, Sam's inability to tell right from wrong. They're not young men anymore, they don't have the excuse of youth or general stupidity or what the hell, the world is ending.

All he wants is for Dean to love him again. Not because he has to, but because he wants to.


End file.
